Life Transitions: Why Change Feels So Hard (and What Can Help)
Life doesn’t always move in a straight line. We change jobs, relationships shift, children grow, and people move, and sometimes life throws curveballs we never saw coming. Even changes that we may have wanted like having a baby or relocating can leave us feeling off balance.
So, if you’ve ever thought to yourself, “I should be fine, but I’m not…”- you are not alone. Change challenges us on a deep level and there are good reasons why it can feel so hard.
Change Can Shake Up Who We Think We Are
One of the biggest reasons transitions feel difficult is because they often affect our identity.
In psychology, identity isn’t just “who you are” on paper-it is the sense of who you are in your relationships, daily roles, and how you see yourself. When life changes, even in small ways, it can shake that sense of self.
For example, someone returning to work after maternity leave might feel torn between who they were at work and who they are as a parent now. This internal tension is a common experience as we try to make sense of who we are during periods of change (Ibarra and Barbulescu, 2010).
It’s not about “losing yourself.” It is about slowly adjusting to a new version of you.
Your Brain Doesn’t Love Uncertainty
Even when change is expected or positive, it can still be stressful. Why? Because our brains are wired to prefer the familiar.
Research shows that uncertainty-like not knowing what life will look like after a big change-activates our brain’s stress response (Grupe & Nitschke, 2013). This can show up as:
Feeling more anxious or overwhelmed
Trouble sleeping
Finding it hard to concentrate
Feeling more emotional than usual
These are normal reactions to an uncertain or shifting environment. It doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong, it just means your nervous system is working hard to adapt.
Sometimes, You’re Grieving (Even If No One Can See It)
Many people feel confused when they experience sadness or grief during a life transition that others see as “positive.” This is where the idea of ambiguous loss comes in (Boss, 2006). It means grieving something that’s unclear or hasn’t fully ended-like a role, a routine, or a version of yourself.
You might feel a sense of loss for:
The simplicity of your old life
A relationship that used to feel closer
A version of you that’s now changing
It’s possible to feel grief and gratitude. You don’t need to justify why a transition feels hard. You just get to feel it.
Four Things That Shape How We Handle Change
Psychologist Nancy Schlossberg developed a model to explain what helps (or hinders) us during times of change. She called it the 4 S’s:
Situation – What kind of change is happening? Was it sudden or expected?
Self – What personal strengths and past experiences are you bringing with you?
Support – Who is around you that you can lean on?
Strategies – How are you currently coping—and what might help more?
Reflecting on these can help you better understand what you need during this time.
Helpful Questions to Ask Yourself
If you're in a season of transition, here are some gentle prompts to explore:
What am I leaving behind?
What am I stepping into?
How do I feel about who I’m becoming?
What’s one small support I can give myself this week?
Who helps me feel grounded?
You don’t need to rush into answers. Sometimes, just asking the questions helps you feel more anchored.
Therapy Can Be a Safe Place to Land
Big changes can resurface old wounds or bring up unexpected feelings. Therapy can help you make sense of your experience, regulate emotions, and explore who you are becoming.
In therapy, you might:
Reflect on past transitions and how they shaped you
Learn tools for managing stress and anxiety
Explore identity and relationships in a new light
Build more confidence in navigating the unknown
You don’t need to have it all figured out before reaching out. Therapy can be a place to take a breath, slow down, and feel less alone.
A Final Thought
Transitions are rarely tidy. They ask us to loosen our grip on who we were, without yet knowing exactly who we’ll become. That in-between space can feel messy-but it’s also full of possibility.
You don’t have to go through it perfectly. You just have to go through it.
And you don’t have to go through it alone.
Boss, P. (2006). Loss, trauma, and resilience: Therapeutic work with ambiguous loss. W.W. Norton & Company.
Grupe, D. W., & Nitschke, J. B. (2013). Uncertainty and anticipation in anxiety: An integrated neurobiological and psychological perspective. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 14(7), 488–501.
Ibarra, H., & Barbulescu, R. (2010). Identity as narrative: Prevalence, effectiveness, and consequences of narrative identity work in macro work role transitions. Academy of Management Review, 35(1), 135–154.
Schlossberg, N. K. (2011). The challenge of change: The transition model and its applications. Journal of Employment Counseling, 48(4), 159–162.